It’s funny what we sometimes remember from childhood. This being Women’s History Month, my thoughts turned to people in my early life who helped me set my own course. Who knew when to offer encouragement and when to just get out of the way.
My Great-Uncle Matt (referred to as Uncle Matt forthwith) was one of those people. On paper, he seemed an unlikely proponent of female self-determination. He was a lifelong Catholic, a WWII vet, and – though he and I never discussed politics – I’d guess was socially conservative. He played polka songs on his accordion and kept his garage in pristine perfection. I never saw as much as a stray grass clipping on the spotless concrete floor.
But what I remember most powerfully is that he was one of the only adults I knew who wasn’t trying to get me to “settle down” or “behave.” Rather the opposite, if one considers conventional gender norms of his generation.
Aunt Stella and Uncle Matt with me on the legendary green velvet sofa.
For example:
Uncle Matt let me shoot his BB gun (I was 7).
He gave me a dollar at the end of every visit and never told me what I should do with it (whereas my parents were all about saving and usually funneled any birthday money I received into an account I couldn’t touch).
I’m fairly sure I remember him coaching me on how to throw punches. I was about six, my sister three, and Uncle Matt supervised as we practiced on each other in the kitchen of he and my Aunt Stella’s modest brick ranch.
He watched my gymnastics and swim classes, and there was always a jar of peanut M&Ms in the living room. I ate as many as I wanted. Uncle Matt and Aunt Stella were, for obvious reasons, my favorite babysitters.
He also gave advice. Alongside the sparring session between my sister and I, he said, “Never start a fight. But if someone starts a fight with you, you finish it.” One of his mottoes was to “pace yourself.” Meaning, I think, to not take too much on at once and to work at your own speed to get through it.
He was tall, kind, steady. The sort of presence a kid needs in their life.
He died when I was in high school. I was sad to lose him – he’d always been much more of a grandfather than great-uncle. I’d had a secret wish that he would live long enough to play his accordion at my wedding.
Instead, I have memories and a pair of his hedge trimmers. Along with advice which I carry to this day. I always feel better if I tackle a project in manageable phases instead of swinging for the whole thing at once. As far as finishing fights, I’ve had very few physical altercations in my life. And I don’t think his words meant to advocate for aggression. Rather, I think his intent was to urge fortitude in the face of opposition. Perhaps it is telling that he didn’t say “win” or “lose” – he said “finish.”
I used Uncle Matt’s hedge trimmers this afternoon to do some early-spring cleanup. After several hours of pulling weeds, getting rid of last year’s dead leave and branches, and cutting the grass, I surveyed my handiwork. I like to think my Uncle Matt would approve. He did always appreciate a well-tended yard. And I’d been careful to pace myself.
I grew up in a place with long winters. Snow might fall as early as October or November. Of course, it didn’t stay: real snow didn’t come until December when the sun set in the afternoons and ice completely covered the lake. But I didn’t mind the cold. Winter meant sledding and snow angels and ice skating. I was giddy whenever there was fresh snowfall in the mornings, with a child’s excitement to see everything covered by a white blanket as if by magic.
Later, in junior high, winter activities grew slightly more adventurous. I took skiing lessons. Mind you, the mountain was small, the slopes manageable and the lodge’s specialty was deep-fried Oreos. There was no chair lift; a creaking T-bar pulled you to the top. I don’t recall anyone wearing helmets except a few snowboarders. It wasn’t unusual for a Carhartt to double as a ski jacket. But one has to start somewhere.
And I did. I learned how to fasten my boots and use the poles. I could execute cautious snowplow wedges as I descended the slopes. I progressed grom green circles to blue squares to black diamonds. Things gelled just as I left for college in Atlanta GA. Over the next several years my studies and career took me away from snowy places (although I did manage to get frostbite skiing with friends in Maryland.)
But it is strange how life comes full circle. Earlier this month, for the first time in more than two decades, I was back at the place I began. It was a beautiful February day. Bright sky. Mild temperatures. Sunshine. A friend and I made the two-hour drive from Pittsburgh, leaving highways behind for two-lane roads that cut through farmland.
I saw that things had changed since my last visit. There was a chair lift and an upgraded bunny hill. Wooden walkways, and an extended snowtube area. But mittens still hung around the enormous wood fireplace in the lodge. I even spotted a few Carhartts.
My first run was cautious. The second one was the same. I wasn’t a careless 17-year-old anymore, swooshing down the hill. Age plus past injuries¾ a torn ACL, motorcycle accident, sprained ankle, and hamstring tear¾ made my risk calculus much different from what it had been.
But each time the apprehension grew a little less, and the joy took hold a little more. The day was so beautiful it was impossible not to fall under its spell. My body remembered how to glide. How to let go. And for a couple hours on a magical afternoon, I did.
Pets come into our hearts, burrow in, and make warm and fluffy spaces for themselves. And when they are gone, the space where they used to be aches terribly.
Earlier this month I lost my beloved German Shepherd, Rosie. I first saw her as a puppy, a fuzzy, floppy-eared little creature who curiously trotted across the room and, after some sniffs and pets, allowed me to pick her up. I was immediately smitten. Cuteness in canine form has always been the death knell of my resolve.
I’d lived with dogs before, and loved them, but Rosie was the first one I could call my own. She soon became not only a pet, but a presence. I loved watching her curl into a tiny ball for naps. She was adorable romping in snow. Eventually, she started learning to sit and play fetch. As she grew a little older, I took her to the local dog park. Rosie was shy at first, but soon gained enough size, speed, and confidence to join the other dogs in a frenzied circle of collective zoomies until they all collapsed in a panting heap. She made doggie friends, a Newfoundland of about the same age named Chewy, and neighborhood pups named Zoe and Sparky. Later, in Pittsburgh, she cougared it up with the much-younger Goliath, who lived next door, for rambunctious backyard playdates.
Rosie, 3 months.
We went on adventures. Hikes, parks, city walks, doggie dips, visits to pup-friendly restaurants and businesses. As a breed with a certain reputation, some people drew away. But the majority of folks stopped, petted her, complimented her looks and good behavior. She was unfailingly patient and affectionate with kids and made fast friends in the under-five crowd. I heard many stories of smart, loyal, beloved German Shepherds during these spontaneous encounters. It seems that most people who experience a German Shepherd become superfans of the breed. I was no different.
I came to know her mannerisms and personality. The head tilt, as if she were contemplating her next move. Her masterful use of puppy dog eyes – usually deployed when she rolled onto her back and then stared you down for a belly rub. The lopsided way of sitting that she never really outgrew. And my favorite, which I dubbed “the exasperated sigh.” This behavior was pretty much the dog equivalent of a disgruntled teenager: Rosie would take a deep breath in, flop onto her bed, and exhale with an audible huff. It got me every time.
She could be very dramatic.
And Rosie needed to be close to her humans. She participated in holidays and vacations. One year she made a fantastic Batman for Halloween. When she turned 10, we had a birthday party for her – which included human and canine guests – at a pup-friendly brewery. She attended our wedding, where she insisted on sitting at Peter’s feet for the duration of the ceremony.
The heartbreaking thing, though, about living alongside a dog is that your timelines are different. You watch them get old. Your rationale mind knows that they are mortal. Your heart does not. You are never ready.
Rosie aged. Health issues arose. Contrary to a popular assumption about the breed, it was never her hips. She got allergies and developed food sensitivities. These conditions required multiple daily medications and a special diet, plus regular visits to a veterinary dermatologist. I applied topical treatments for her finicky skin. But with effort and medications, they could be managed. Later came periodic tummy issues and a propensity for ear infections; I’m sure she enjoyed her frequent ear cleanings as I much as I enjoyed giving them.
Was she hard to care for sometimes? Yes. Did I often wish it was less hard? Yes. Did I do it anyway? Yes.
Rosie was my constant. Through a move, a pandemic, a divorce, two layoffs. She kept me grounded. She kept me engaged with the world, much as I sometimes wanted to shut myself inside the house and bolt the doors.
The kicker was cancer. She had surgery to remove the tumors and then spent the next 10 days in a sort of dog onesie to keep her from licking the incision. Naturally, the onesie had to be removed and then replaced every time she needed a bathroom break. Sometimes this occurred in the predawn dark. After she was out of the onesie she started chemotherapy and ancillary medications. The treatment wouldn’t cure her. But it might buy us some time.
And it did, for awhile. For a few months, Rosie seemed normal-ish. But one week in the middle of January she became lethargic. She wasn’t much interested in food, toys, or walks. Her breathing sounded irregular, leading us to rush her to a 24-hour veterinary clinic one night. After some tests she was released with medications, and we scheduled a follow-up appointment with her primary vet.
For a few days, Rosie seemed a little better. But by the third day, as a winter storm blew in during the wee hours, her condition rapidly worsened. When morning came we carried her from the house and drove to the vet as soon as we could. We watched as she was carried into treatment on a gurney. We were at her side when, moments later, she slipped away.
Through the bone-chillingly cold days that followed, we grieved. Eventually the weather broke. On the first mild day after her death, we scattered her ashes in a stream alongside one of her favorite trails. She loved the water and had been happy there. In the winter twilight, the setting sun lit the clouds with glowing orange and pink light. It was gorgeous. It was peaceful.
As we walked back to the car, it occurred to me that the dead do not know what we do for them after they’ve departed. The ritual of laying to rest may, in reality, be only for the living. We alone can take comfort in this last act of love.
I carried the box that had contained her ashes in my hands. It felt lighter. And my heart felt a tiny bit lighter, too.
Days are short, nights are long, and the air is cold. It’s the time of year when I’m caught between wanting to do nothing (nothing = sitting in bed with a book) and throwing myself into a frenzy of festive activities (gift wrapping! baking! candles! decorations!).
This year, I did a little bit of both. Like Goldilocks, I searched for the happy medium: not too much, not too little, just right. And I think I found it in baking a few batches of these Molasses Spice Cookies. Not only do they go beautifully with a cup of coffee or tea, but they make the house smell wonderful and make a crowd-pleasing addition to a cookie exchange or winter potluck.
Molasses Spice Cookies
Ingredients:
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 ½ tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground allspice
½ cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
¼ cup vegetable shortening
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 egg
¼ cup molasses
1 Tbsp grated orange peel
¼ cup sugar, for rolling (Note: I like to use a blend of Turbinado or demarra and granulated sugar)
Method:
Sift first 6 ingredients into a medium bowl. In a large bowl, combine butter, shortening and brown sugar in a large bowl. Using mixer at high speed, beat until fluffy, scraping down sides of bowl as necessary. Add egg, molasses and orange peel and beat until blended.
Gradually add dry ingredients, mixing until just incorporated. Dough will be somewhat stiff and light brown in color. Cover and chill for one hour in the refrigerator. (Note: dough may be chilled overnight. If using this option, remove from the refrigerator approximately 20 minutes before baking to allow the dough to soften slightly.)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease baking sheet. Using a spoon, scoop the dough into small portions and roll into balls with your hands. You should have 24 to 30 equally-sized balls, depending on scoop size. The dough may be slightly sticky; if this is the case, wet your hands for easier rolling.
Roll each ball in sugar to coat. Place 12 balls on a prepared baking sheet, spacing equally. Bake for 11-14 minutes. Cool 1 minute on baking sheet before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
Yields approximately 2 1/2 dozen cookies
Recipe adapted from Brer Rabbit Molasses Gingerbread Ice Cream Sandwiches
I reread the classic novel Pride and Prejudice every year. Usually in early spring, at approximately the same time in the story when plucky heroine Lizzie Bennet makes a pivotal visit to the English countryside and re-encounters her antagonist (and love interest), the enigmatic Mr. Darcy. Turning the pages no longer brings me any surprises – I know the book too well for that – but there is a soothing satisfaction in revisiting a familiar story, whose characters and their feelings are as real for me as any flesh-and-blood entities I’ve encountered.
There is another book, of a very different character, that I read almost as often: Obedience to Authority by Stanley Milgram. I first encountered the text as a 21-year-old college student in my Psych 101 class. The book is a case study of a series of experiments conducted at Yale in the early 1960s which explored the relationship of human behavior to authority. Specifically, the experiments examined the willingness of many Americans to obey the instructions of figures whom they perceived to be in authority, even if it led to harming or killing another human being who posed no threat to themselves. Furthermore, to avoid guilt or other emotional fallout, the study participants often made stunning psychological adjustments to avoid any moral culpability.
It was fascinating. I read it. And reread it. More than 50 years after it was first published, I still find Obedience to Authority just as relevant, just as incisive, just as compelling. It is no exaggeration to say that the book changed my life.
Of course, there are notable differences between the America of the early 1960s and America today, too many to list here. But what struck me is that the most significant variable – human actions – is largely unchanged. And once I’ve seen that the mechanisms of control and authority (both visible and invisible) are present, I can’t unsee it.
Americans, according to Milgram, are no exception. We are no braver, no more free thinking, no more righteous than the Gestapo police or Nazi soldiers who perpetuated unthinkable cruelties under the auspices of “following orders.”
Milgram puts his conclusion this way:
The results, as seen and felt in the laboratory, are to this author disturbing. They raise the possibility that human nature, or – more specifically – the kind of nature produced in American democratic society, cannot be counted on to insulate its citizens from brutality and inhumane treatment at the direction of malevolent authority. A substantial proportion of people do what they are told to do, irrespective of the context of the act and without limitations of conscience.
Stanley Milgram Obedience to Authority
Some may take issue with what could appear to be Milgram’s lack of neutrality, a refusal to apply clinical detachment and instead consider his subjects through an ethical lens. That is a fair point. At the same time, in American society and elsewhere, it may be argued that human actions carry not just psychological implications, but moral ones.
The warning is clear: terrible things can happen when we absolve ourselves of responsibility. It is therefore incumbent upon us to first see ourselves honestly. To reckon with our shortfalls and failings. To stop being so goddamn fragile, so protective of our precious psyches that we are unable to either admit fault or make amends.
And secondly, to use what power we have mindfully and intentionally rather than reactively. There are choices present in almost every situation. They might not be easy choices. They might come with difficult consequences. But they are there, calling us to step up when more is required from us.
Spoiler: I got married in October. So not a ton of time for blogging. However, I did want to share this pic and a short explanation of what the heck Peter and I are doing.
This photo captures the start of Baumstamm sägen, which is allegedly an old German custom in which a newlywed couple saw through a log together immediately following their wedding ceremony. The shared effort of cutting through the log represents a commitment to overcoming obstacles as partners. When we first began researching traditions to include, this custom didn’t receive much serious consideration (especially as my German heritage is meager, to say the least.) But the more we thought about it, the more we liked the idea. So we went ahead and did it – and I’m so glad we did! It was an amazing memory, a unique twist to make the day extra special and – I’ll be honest – a heck of a lot of fun!
I wish I could say that I enjoyed running. Or failing that, that I’ve come to enjoy running. After all, running is not only associated with health and fitness, but a whole slew of admirable character traits: self-discipline, dedication, endurance.
But I don’t like running, not if I’m really honest with myself (and anyone else reading this.)
There was a time when I did. While I was a twentysomething in Washington, DC, one of my colleagues urged me to give it a try. So I did. I started with short distances, 2-3 miles along the Potomac River in Georgetown, accompanied by another coworker who was also a beginning runner. And I found, to my surprise, that I could. We weren’t fast, and we didn’t go far, but we were at least competent. That spring, on a chilly March morning, I finished my first 5K. And like Forrest Gump, I just kept going.
D.C. is an easy city to run in. It’s flat. It’s scenic. The winters, while cold, lacked the Lake Effect snowfall that I grew up with. And there was no shortage of races.
Here my running followed the expected trajectory: I got better at it, so I could go further, and as I progressed, I found I enjoyed it more, so I did it more. And the virtuous circle continued: 5Ks, 10Ks, the Cherry Blossom, the Army Ten Miler (twice), the Baltimore Half Marathon. Even then, I wasn’t really fast – my best times were sub-11 minute miles – but still, I was doing it.
Sadly, the good times didn’t continue. I moved from my Capitol Hill apartment to a house in the suburbs. My body was the same age, same condition, but my surroundings weren’t. I ran but it wasn’t the same. Also, the injuries started. First a MCL tear while hiking in Scotland. I recovered, after months of PT, but it was nearly a year before I ran again. Then a motorcycle accident. Tendonitis. A sprained ankle. Most recently, a torn hamstring. And of course, age. Add in a few chronic health conditions and running looks – and feels – very different for me now.
Completing my first 5k race in Washington, DC. My coworker Emily and I staged this photo at the finish.
Instead of putting on my shoes, cueing up my iPod, and going out for a 10-mile jog in DC, my routine is something like this: a few hours before heading out, take a shot of Pepto Bismol. Take another one immediately before beginning the jog. Stretch copiously. Pack a few Pepto tablets to take with me. Jog slowly, carefully, with small strides to avoid aggravating any previous injuries. A mile or so in, my shins will begin to protest and will probably become increasingly painful the longer I continue.
I will eek out a distance of 3-4 miles. It will be agonizingly slow, Afterwards, I’ll be lightheaded and spent. I might pop a few Advil. I’ll likely throw some ice on my legs later that night.
And I will ask myself: Is it worth it? Is it worth putting so much mental and physical effort into an activity that often doesn’t feel like a release, but instead another obligation on my already lengthy list? Into something that has become not just challenging, but downright hard, with little likelihood of improving? In American culture, we tolerate mediocrity if it’s a stepping stone to improvement. Not so much it it’s the end state.
Even as I write this, I want to protest, “I’m not lazy! I still give a damn about my health.” And that is true. I bike, I swim, I do yoga. Sometimes I break out my free weights. I take my dog for walks.
And yet, even as my rational mind tells me there is no shame is saying adios to running, I won’t quite give it up. Perhaps it is stubbornness. I don’t want to admit that I can’t physically do something anymore. Or perhaps a bit of pride. Yes, I’m an awful runner. But I’m still doing it. Surely that must count for something?
For an activity often lauded for bringing clarity and freeing up one’s headspace, running sure brings up a lot of questions for me. I don’t know the answers. But I do know there’s a run tomorrow night, and chances are, I’ll be there.
Or, What I Learned from Hours Spent Playing Stardew Valley During a Global Pandemic (While Getting Divorced and Laid Off)
From the start, Stardew Valley was more than a game to me. Choosing to download the seemingly innocuous app was a deliberate act of rebellion. Perhaps this stems from my childhood, where my game-averse parents considered any time spent in front of a screen – that is, time that wasn’t doing homework – as time wasted. So gaming became something covert. Something I did at friends’ houses or on borrowed systems where I could engage in entertainment-as-defiance. Anytime I got a hit of Duck Hunt, Mario Brothers, the Sims, Guitar Hero, or even wholesome Oregon Trail, it smacked with the thrill of insubordination.
Then there’s my own long history of believing in focusing on activities that are productive and meaningful. I’m right there with Jeff Sutherland, a co-creator of Scrum, that “Time makes up your life, so wasting it is actually a slow form of suicide.” I’m the kind of person who thrives on to-do lists – my desk is covered in post-its and stickie notes – and who takes visceral enjoyment in crossing items off.
Until everything changed. My marriage had been disintegrating long before COVID-19. When the pandemic hit, in many ways it became yet another disruption in my life which had already felt increasingly unfamiliar and disorienting. My best efforts couldn’t salvage the floundering relationship. And I certainly couldn’t take on a public health crisis of global proportions on my own.
Like millions around the world, I could only wait. Stay home, and wait, and hope for better days ahead. And thus my belated encounter with Stardew Valley was launched. I’d heard about the game from a friend, who’d read about it in a book. The perfect experiment, I thought. How would I respond to intentionally engaging in an activity that served only my own amusement? In those strange days, could I teach myself to be OK with “wasting time”?
Of course a kid and teenager messing around on Nintendo or Playstation is acceptable, if not always encouraged. But adults aren’t supposed to play games. Adult women in particular, unless it’s killing time on our commute with CandyCrush or Angry Birds, or doing board game nights with bougie friends.
So the first hurdle was in my own head. I had compulsively repainted a bathroom, donated to the local food bank, moved thousands of files from my ancient PC onto my new-ish MacBook, and dealt with a dozen other niggling tasks. I had to convince myself that I’d done enough to earn permission to do something that was supposed to be fun. But at last I was ready.
Stardew Valley Title Screen.
Lesson 1: Surprise and Delight Does Exist
I took the plunge. Having heard hype about the game but with no idea what it looked like, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. And my first reaction was confusion. Being suddenly thrown into a world made of cutesy, pixelated visuals seemed strangely archaic. This can’t be right, I thought. But Stardew Valley soon lured me past my misgivings. I related to and relished the escape from the soulless corporate entity of JoJa Corporation to the rural environs of valley. It was true during the pandemic, and true today: Is there anyone on the planet who doesn’t want to get away from something right now? Adulthood be damned. I was in.
Eric Barone has built a world we can get lost in. And it is a thing of beauty. There are games within a game, singing mermaids, and an adorable sim cat who sleeps on your sim bed. There are mysteries to explore and quests to complete. Even swinging a scythe through swathes of grass and seeing the vegetation get cleared away is winningly satisfying. I found myself smiling, laughing, and feeling that elusive feeling that experiences often strive for but rarely deliver: delight.
The game isn’t perfect. I spent many of my first hours being perpetually confused on what I could interact with and what I couldn’t. I missed seeing my first Dance of the Midnight Jellies because I didn’t know I had to speak to the mayor in order to kick the whole thing off. It just appeared to be a bunch of people standing around on the boardwalk at night, looking at the water. Underwhelmed, I went back to the farm.
There were other disappointments, too. A bewildering array of tools that required trial-and-error to figure out. A night of getting lost in the woods and nearly not finding my way back to the farm. Townspeople who seem inscrutable (more on this later). Still I stayed. Because here was a world where I could actually do something.
Lesson 2: The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat
Maybe it’s a sign of the times, but I feel a disproportionate responsibility for everything. In Stardew Valley, I found myself getting wildly agitated over the welfare of my farm animals. When one of my new baby chicks was reported as “looking a little thin,” I freaked out. Could sim animals starve? How could I get her food? And was there a way to make sure she was eating? I frantically amassed the raw materials needed to construct a silo, which was needed to house the animal feed, which had to exist in adequate quantities to be brought into the coop. It was exhausting. And every morning until the project was complete, I was afraid I’d find a dead baby sim chicken.
But Daisy the chicken lived. And I went on to acquire an adorable baby bunny who now is a healthy, happy adult rabbit. I bought myself a fancy tiara and I’m making decent progress romancing the local villagers.
Yet when I make mistakes, they hit hard. I’m pretty lousy at most of the games-within-the-game. I’ve lost more fish than I caught. I accidentally took a pickaxe to the first melon I grew, which delayed my filling a neighbor’s request by an entire year. I passed out in the mines. I had to research how those stupid fishing poles worked. But I kept at it.
Here was a world where I could win. And achievements, even virtual ones, still hold an allure.
Night Market, Stardew Valley.
Lesson 3: Jerks Are Everywhere
For a game in which much is driven by relationship-building – whether that’s working your way into the town’s good graces, befriending locals, or finding a romantic partner – navigating the interpersonal dimensions of Stardew Valley is excruciating at times. Almost without exception, dialogs are one-sided. When approached, NPCs spew out a couple comments but it’s nearly impossible to tell when the conversation is over, and if the player is supposed to respond to anything. It drives me nuts. It triggers all my triggers on the perpetual emotional labor that women often undertake, and with equally little return.
Then there’s the sh*t that some of the eligible bachelors say. Many others have written about gender and the gaming industry; I’ll leave the broader topic in their capable hands and restrict my examples to the context of Stardew Valley.
There are the statements from male NPCs that are merely eyerolling (“If I just disappeared would it really matter?”); some that are cringe-inducing (“I have to brush my hair daily, or else it’ll clump up into messy knots. It’s a lot of work. I’m surprised I haven’t just shaved it off in a fit of passion. I suppose I am too vain.”); and others that make me want to immediately donate to Planned Parenthood (“Hey, it’s farm girl. Did you get new pants? You’re doing something right.”). I wonder when a qualified therapist is going to move into town to help these guys sort out their issues. And I wonder why it’s the job of the player to engage in interactions that serve mainly to rehabilitate others’ bad behaviors.
It’s a game. I know, I know. But games are worlds, too. And there is crossover between what we live and how we play. The elusive yet strangely intriguing Sebastian is exactly the kind of bad boy I would have gone after in high school and college, if I’d had the nerve. He exasperates and fascinates me in turn. I leapt at the chance to take a ride on his motorcycle under the Stardew Valley moon. I remind myself that I owned a motorcycle IRL – a Harley-freakin-Davidson – and that I don’t need to put up with moody nonsense generated by pixels and bytes. Yet in-game, I experiment with how far things will develop with Sebastian while also running a flirtation with aspiring novelist Elliot. Elliot is sensitive and while he can be self-absorbed, also seems genuinely interested in building a connection. He dedicated his novel to me, which is flattering. I ask myself if it may make putting up with some of his more inane comments worth it.
The experiences are simulated but in the best games, the emotions are real. The escape is real. My trips to Stardew Valley are journeys to somewhere where there is no pandemic, no failures of leadership, no economic collapse.
When I’m not working at my day job, I write novels. And it occurs to me that the storyteller and the game creator have much in common. We each call into existence a world that is different from the one that we have. We invite others to join us and slide into a reality that is better or kinder or more exciting than the one we inhabit. Where monsters can be vanquished, love sometimes wins, and none of the chickens starve.
June was a rough month, my Bridgerton-esque interlude aside. There were days spent at the bedside of a terminally ill person, followed by a death. An accident that totaled my car. A sick dog. Work stress. Then I caught a headcold. I got my period (in the same week). Someone literally pooped in the community pool.
Toward the end of the month, I found myself back in Pittsburgh and feeling ever-so-slightly…well, not normal, but normal-ish. My headcold was gone, the bumps scratches from the car accident healed, and the pool was re-opened. The sprint triathlon I’d registered for was only a few weeks away, and it was a beautiful Friday afternoon. I gathered my gear and decided to head out for a swim.
This was to be my first triathlon in a decade. I loved the symmetry of it, 2014 to 2024. I still had my road bike, Ruby, and I even had the tri suit I’d worn all those years ago (it still fits.) I had been training all winter: laps in the high school pool, runs in the cold mornings, at night, pushing through fatigue and grumpiness and age. Training gave me a focal point. And putting myself back in the fold of triathletes didn’t make me feel young, exactly, but it did make me feel capable. I didn’t have to be fast. I just had to finish.
I had every reason to be hopeful that afternoon. Until I didn’t.
It happened in an instant: a worn flip-flop meeting slick slate tile. Down I went, into pain worse than anything I could remember. Physical pain, yes – sharp, terrible, and relentless that shot along my leg. But mental anguish as well, as I struggled to get to my feet and found that I simply couldn’t. Something was terribly wrong. There would be no triathlon for me this summer.
I half-crawled across the floor to my phone. A short while later – it felt like an eternity – Peter was helping me navigate through the doorway of an urgent care clinic on crutches. Without medical imaging, a precise diagnosis was impossible, but it was likely I had a Grade II or Grade III hamstring tear. I was sent home with a compression wrap on my rapidly swelling leg and a prescription for painkillers.
The following days were agony. I tried not to think too much about the training I should have been doing. What I was missing out on. Instead, I took small steps, and looked for small victories.
At first even the slightest pressure on the injury was excruciating. Movements had to be carefully calculated. For example, to go to bed, I first stood perpendicular to my mattress. I then did a slow belly flop, gently rolled only my non-injured side while keeping my injured leg as motionless as possible, and tucked pillows around myself in a futile effort to defy gravity and make the pain somehow endurable. I didn’t sleep much.
But slowly, it got better. Within a week I could walk free of the crutches. I was able to sit outside in the backyard and look at my flowers and listen to the birds. On a bright summer morning, with a cup of coffee in my hand, it was enough.
As the swelling and bruises subsided, I gradually resumed light activities. Biking and running remained out of reach. But I could swim, in a fashion. Kicking still hurt, so I did slow laps using just my arms. When I woke with mildly sore shoulders the following morning, I smiled at the evidence of my efforts.
Triathlon day arrived. Instead of loading my bike, helmet, and shoes into the car, I packed a folding chair and mug of coffee. Peter and I had opted to volunteer at the event. It was a way of being there, even though competition was off the table.
We arrived shortly at the course after dawn, the early morning air surprisingly cool as we took up places near the transition area. We set up course markers, chatted with other volunteers, answered athlete questions, kept eager spectators at bay. And once the event started, we cheered. The competitors were a mix, and an inspiring one at that: elite athletes who blasted through each segment, first-timers, teenagers, middle-aged folks, older people.
I found myself commiserating with two other women who’d also been struck with injuries. We heard each other’s stories, grimacing in sympathy, and in the shared angst of not only not finishing a race, but not even being able to start.
That afternoon, when I returned home, I grabbed my gear and went to the pool. I swam 800 yards. I used my legs. The water closed around me like an embrace. Like a promise that there is more to come.
I recently awoke on a Saturday faced with the delightful prospect of a day without obligations. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the morning air was cool and pleasant. It was a storybook beginning.
I rolled out of bed, pulled on my dressing gown, and imagined myself as a lady of leisure. I took it a step further and imagined myself in the world of Bridgerton – or at least as close as I could get in America of 2024.
I proceeded downstairs to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of fresh coffee. The coffee was ready and waiting, prepared not by a servant, but by my conveniently programmable coffeemaker. Outside, I sat in the garden while my dog lolled on the grass. I listened to the birds. I fussed over a container of bright yellow pansies (pansies are everywhere on Bridgerton) and admired the hydrangeas about to bloom.
A little later, I dropped off a jar of homemade strawberry preserves at my neighbors’ house, a small token of appreciation for a favor they’d done me. I walked in the streets of my respectable but not fashionable neighborhood, admiring the well-tended yards and lamenting those that were not. I attended to a few household matters and attempted some writing – longhand, in cursive – including the draft of this blog post.
In the afternoon, I called at a local dress shop. This activity felt remarkably Bridgerton-esque: I traveled to the shop on foot, met a friend there whose advice I’d enlisted to guide my choice (I was shopping for a wedding dress), and needed the assistance of the salesclerk to get myself in and out of the gowns. At one point, the salesclerk had to buckle my shoe for me: I was literally standing on a pedestal, immobilized by yards of crepe and Italian tulle. The amount of fuss unsettled me, as did being unable to do even the simplest activities on my own. Still, part of it felt fun – when else had I received such attention? Or reveled in simply searching for what would make me feel beautiful?
For say what you will about Bridgerton, it is beautiful. The homes, the clothes, the gardens, the characters. Rarely do you see poverty, disease, or work of any kind (aside from the servants, and even then, their chores are apparently mostly carrying trays and arranging hair and fetching the occasional snuffbox.) The Bridgerton ladies themselves rarely engage in any activity more demanding than taking a constitutional or ringing for tea. Dancing, I suppose, may be an exception, and there are the few ladies who ride.
I managed to practice my French. I neglected my music (in my case, an electric guitar, which is decidedly anachronistic), but did decide to take advantage of the fine weather for some exercise. I went on a late afternoon ride, by bicycle, through very pretty woods and afterwards, enjoyed an indecorous pint of ale. Unchaperoned.
I thought of what the show gets right about the Regency era. Or at least, doesn’t overly distort or misrepresent: the strict social rules, aristocratic privilege, the pressure on women to marry, the vast disparity between genders in what was sexually acceptable.
Yet there is much that is fantasy. The racial equality among the ton and portrayal of Queen Charlotte as a black woman are two plot points on the show of deeply questionable accuracy. And as much as I would have liked for the romance between Brimsley and Reynolds, as well as other same-sex pairings, to be able to flourish in the early 1800s, in reality they would have been subject to sodomy laws that would have considered their intimacy a capital offense.
Heterosexual relationships also came with real risks, particularly for women. Women had no lawful political power, no voting rights, no ownership rights to property once they married. The second her wedding ceremony concluded, Penelope would have forfeited every penny of her earnings as Lady Whistledown to Colin Bridgerton. Her children, too, would be considered her husband’s property (this was not settled until decades later, through the remarkable case of Caroline Norton). The show does not address the fact that Penelope would stand to lose a lot more than the power of her pen once she became Mrs. Bridgerton.
Of course the era did have many brilliant women: Jane Austen, Mary Wollstonecraft, Mary Shelley, and others. This was also the period of Byron and Keats and incredible exploration and scientific discovery. It was likewise a time when syphilis could be a death sentence, half of the female population was illiterate, and it was considered acceptable for a six-year-old to work a 10-hour factory shift. Don’t even ask about maternal and infant mortality.
I look at Bridgerton as a cautionary tale as much as it is an escape. It is a reminder to beware of making over the past in our own image. To pause before rushing to snap up show-themed merch without any understanding of what it is we want to imitate. To proceed carefully so as not to forget the truth of history. Amnesia may be convenient, but it is no cure.
Producer Shonda Rhime’s Mayfair is sparkly and entertaining and shamelessly sanitized. It could be a fun place to visit, but no one actually lives there.
